America’s silliest negro and his ran-through, e-list porn, baby mama…

” depression is the inability to construct a future…”  –Jude Law 

Can I talk my shit again!?! *laughing*

Wow, your boy is back and better than ever with a new blog. I haven’t written anything worth reading in quite sometime due to the fact that I simply have had nothing to say. I get the same emails about the same shit I’ve covered in previous blogs … from the same people. Sadly, my friends, there was a time when i didn’t even bother to check my Gmail (I have a new email for the blog also.) as i simply had no motivation. KBoogie is simply NOT going to hand over a half-ass product…my pride won’t allow it. Okay, enough of this small talk bullshit.

“It is not strange that even our loves should change with our fortunes.” –William Shakespeare

Over the past seven or so weeks, I’ve gotten a lot of questions pertaining to online dating and dating in general. This isn’t anything out of the ordinary i know right? But these questions weren’t posed to me via electronic mail, Twitter, or Facebook but from cats I see on a daily basis. Some of these folk I wouldn’t have the slightest thought they’d be on — Hey, I don’t judge. Nevertheless, none of these girls and guys  are having any success on these dating sites. One girl I know is on Plenty of Fish (or POF) and all i can say is you get what you pay for, and POF is FREE. My home slice is on OKCupid (OKC) FREE ALSO but a better selection of girls and guys; it just seems that most of the dames on that particular site have unreasonable expectations of guys you meet on a FREE SITE. Also, as a whole, it’s not all that negro friendly i.e. if you’re trying to date interracially your chances aren’t all that great of snatching something off of the site. Black dudes on the site are usually looking for white or “ethnic” chicks. White chicks are usually looking for white “professionals”, and if they are looking for a brother they fall into the “whigger” category. Personally, I dig me an AUTHENTIC white chick that ENJOYS being white, not one that drives a Crown Victoria with Young Jeezy on blast. Back on topic, we were talking about OKC, the brothers on OKC usually never give the sisters any rhythm — hey, don’t shoot the messenger. It’s not that black males who date virtually (i.e. online) aren’t into black women, it’s that the black men who are interested in sistas can probably be found somewhere else. I’d imagine that if you asked black men in Irish pubs in Boston and black men in Baltimore IHOPs to share their thoughts about black women, the results might be vastly different. What most of you guys fail to understand that there are RULES to this online dating business. No bullshit. Unspoken rules you won’t find printed in Amazon books or posted on other weak blogs. No worries though–your boy, Kristien, is revealing the nine most important ones below. Follow them, and dating success is just a click away:

  1. Photos are mandatory. It’s not that people are shallow (some of them are) but they need to know if they’re physically attracted to you. Forget about your buddies, co-workers or family members seeing your mug online. Posting a photo with your profile shows boldness, and lets potential mates know that you have no reason to hide. You will never receive the responses you want if you don’t include pictures in your profile. But keep it simple. No cheesy, shirtless poses next to your new Mercedes. No pics in your dirty bathroom, in the mirror, in a thong with duck lips. A simple head shot with a cool smile will do.
  2. Fellas, use more than just beauty as a reason to contact her. Her photos may reveal the sexiest woman you have ever seen, but her true beauty lies within. Women want men to know them inside and out. When you take the time to read about her trip to Madagascar, or how she tore her dress at her best friend’s wedding, it shows you’re interested. You don’t have to memorize every detail, but be sure she knows you’re paying attention to more than just a pretty face.
  3. Don’t reveal every flaw. We all have personalities with character defects, but many things about your psyche should be left private–at least until you get to know each other. For instance, don’t reveal your history of forgetfulness, or your inability to keep clean clothes in your closet, or how you tend to drink too much Ciroc with your girls at Redline. Also, don’t talk about activities you know women may frown upon… (i.e. the ungodly amount of time you spend sitting on the couch, or your reluctance to spend money.) Over time, your mate will figure these out on their own.
  4. Tell the truth. Being completely honest may be difficult, but every person you communicate with will appreciate it. This doesn’t mean you should reveal every bad thing you’ve ever done (see Rule #) but you should be honest about the basics. For example, don’t lie about your height, job position, income, or marital status. The truth will eventually surface, and no one will show you mercy if you’ve been dishonest.
  5. Respect a person’s parameters. If you don’t match the specifications they list in their profile, don’t contact them. People typically don’t respond to folk who live 500 miles outside of their 25-mile radius, or people with opposing political and religious affiliations. If you feel an unbelievable urge to pursue them anyway, go for it. But don’t be surprised if she/he doesn’t respond.
  6. Fellas, If you send the hoe an email, and don’t get a response, move on. Yes, she received your email. No, there wasn’t a momentary glitch in the system that kept your email from reaching its destination. She didn’t respond because she’s not interested. Instead of taking this personally, look at it as a great opportunity to pursue other potential mates. There are thousands (millions if you got game) of women available, and wasting your time chasing an uninterested one is fruitless.
  7. Fellas (again), don’t send winks, flirts or nudges. Women hate these. When you do it, you’re basically saying, “I’m too cheap to pay the $15, $20, or $30 subscription fee, so I’ll just send a wink to let her know I’m interested.” Either that, or you’re saying, “I don’t have enough confidence or communication skills to say something meaningful, so I’ll let the system say it for me.” Fact is, women already know guys are interested. The question becomes: “What are you going to do about it?” You can start by writing a heart-felt message after reading her profile.
  8. Use your profile space wisely. Don’t waste precious (and limited) character space on useless babble. This means you shouldn’t complain about other men/women you’ve dated; or describe in detail what you hate about black men with kids; or talk about how boring your life may be. Instead, use the suggestions provided by the online dating site to create your profile… (i.e. describe your personality, life goals, your hobbies and what you look for in a person). Chicks and educated, responsible men like substance, and a well written profile gives them a peek into your world.
  9. Never suggest a fac-to-face meeting in the first few emails. For one thing, it can be dangerous. Both men and women should always use caution when meeting someone they don’t know. Plus, being overly anxious to meet in person will create suspicion in the minds of many women. If your intentions are to pursue a long-term relationship, getting to know her via email, texting, and by phone helps build a solid communication foundation. Trust me on this.

Now, I didn’t issue a money-back guarantee with these rules but they should put you in or ahead of the online dating game. It’s about quality of life and compatibility. Lets take number five for an example, fellas, you don’t want a broad all the way in South Carolina in and you live Silver Spring — that’s for the birds. You’re putting yourself at a disadvantage with the newness and distance; it’s just going to be a logistical and emotional nightmare in the long run.

Gee Whiz, I have so many new stories to share but not enough time today to even put a dent in them. Motherfucker’s hustling on my Facebook even though my friends are hidden. Lame, weak, wannabe negroes with their lame, smart comments. No wonder you’re not home. Shady hoes hooked-up in human-trafficking scams since the teenage years but wanna talk greasy. We all know you sold that infant boy you delivered at Columbia Hospital for Women, across from the old GW Hospital, don’t make me throw those photos up on the new blog site, {enter relative’s name here}.

Phew, I’m tired, y’all … I haven’t written a blog in so long that i’m breaking a sweat out here on the deck. So hit me up in the comment section, FB, Twitter, or email and tell me what you think of the new blog. Also, hit-up the old blog if you’re new or want to read some of the old, classic shit. ~~~> …and catch my new show later today ~~~>